Math is Retarded
I have neither the talent nor the popularity of stand-up comedian Eugene Mirman. (As an example of his talent, you can check out the commencement speech he gave at Hampshire College in 2012. As evidence of his popularity, he often appears on StarTalk Radio with Neil de Grasse Tyson.)
Nor do I have the chutzpah.
In 2005, he received an email with subject line, “You Suck.” After several other messages from Mike and Josh, two email hecklers from Connecticut, they asked if he’d invite them on stage during his show in New Haven.
He then read one of their emails to the audience (in my opinion, giving these buffoons more stage time than they deserved). But then he proceeded to flame them, using material he found on the Internet. Mike was on stage during this roasting; Josh, however, had not come to the show.
Josh got the worst of it.
You can see the entire exchange on YouTube, but this is what Mirman said about Josh:
Josh, there is less about you on the Web, but your email address — mathisretarded — speaks volumes. Let me get this straight. Here’s a situation: You approach a hooker. She tells you a blowjob will cost $15, but you only have a twenty. And you think figuring out the change “is retarded.” I’ll tell you what it is, don’t worry. It’s $5.
Josh, without math, we wouldn’t have computers or email. Without math, we wouldn’t know how many lonely, naked Asian teens there are in the world. There are over 7,500. Sorry to use such a big number, Josh. Let me try to help you understand it. Imagine how retarded you are. Now multiply that by 1. That’s right — you’re 7,500 retarded.
That’s pretty much it.
Should I ever have need to put an email heckler in his or her place, I hope I have both the guts and eloquence to do it as effectively as Eugene Mirman.
And no, that is not meant to be an invitation to heckle me just to see if I’m up to the challenge.