The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 12

Oh, good, you’ve arrived! Today is December 23, and below are some jokes to celebrate the Twelfth Day of Crisp Math. But if you’re sad that this glorious holiday is coming to an end, check back tomorrow for something extra special…

If you had 5 apples in one hand and 7 apples in other hand, what would you have?
Very large hands!

Since it is the last day, there should probably be a joke involving large numbers.

Take a positive integer n. No, wait, n is too large; take a positive integer k.

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 11

It’s the Eleventh Day of Crisp Math, the next‑to‑last day of this joyous season. Here’s a joke about being next‑to‑last.

In college, I took a math class with 600 other students, and I got the lowest score on the midterm. The scores were posted on the wall in the math building, and as I was looking at them, the guy who got the second-lowest score was making fun of me. “How’s it feel to have the lowest score?” he asked.

I said, “You really want to know?” The next day, I dropped the course.

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 10

It’s the Tenth Day of Crisp Math, and there are lots of jokes involving the number 10.

How many tents can a campground hold?
Ten, because ten tents make a whole.

The following is for those students who didn’t do much during the fall semester, but who think they can engender some good will by giving a holiday gift to their professors.

A failing student showed up to the math professor’s office with a hundred-dollar bottle of scotch. The professor objected, “I’m sorry, taking a gift from a student would be unethical.”

The student said, “I understand. But what if I sell it to you for $10?”

The math professor thought for a moment. “At that price, I’ll take a whole case!”

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 9

You’ll go head-over-heels for the joke we’ll use to celebrate the Ninth Day of Crisp Math.

There were 99 people on a boat. The boat flipped over. How many people were left?
66!

This reminds of a joke (as it were) that my mom used to tease me with.

Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

[Repeat.]

Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

[Repeat.]

Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

…

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 8

For the Eighth Day of Crisp Math, here’s a problem for you. Best of luck solving it before Day 9…

If you choose an answer to this question at random, what is the probability that you will be correct?

A. 25%
B. 50%
C. 60%
D. 25%

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 7

It may be the Seventh Day of Crisp Math, but this waiter wasn’t so lucky.

The waiter could tell the man seated alone at the corner table was a mathematician by his order: “I’ll have the seven‑layer dip as an appetizer. For my entree, prime rib, dim sum, and the three-bean salad. To drink, a root beer, and pi for dessert, please.”

(The 50 napkins he had covered with equations were probably a big hint, too.)

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 6

Ah, the halfway point of the Twelve Days of Crisp Math. On Day 1, I explained why this numerical holiday has 12 days. But you may be wondering why there are Twelve Days of Christmas. The Christian holiday of Epiphany occurs on January 6, and traditional Christmas celebrations lasted from December 25 through January 6, a period of 12 days.

Perhaps more interesting, though, is that the Christmas celebration sometimes lasted all the way to Candlemas. There was a belief that Candlemas could be used to predict the weather:

If Candlemas be fair and bright,
Come, Winter, have another flight;
If Candlemas bring clouds and rain,
Go, Winter, and come not again.

Candlemas is celebrated on February 2, and the poem above explains the traditions that we now observe on Groundhog Day.

This concludes your history lesson for the day. Now, how about a joke for the Sixth Day of Crisp Math?

Two hyperbolas were sitting on a plane.

The first hyperbola says to the other, “I sure wish I could oscillate.”

The second one replies, “Holy cow! A talking hyperbola!”

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 5

Fröhliche Weihnachten! A German joke for the Fifth Day of Crisp Math…

What comes between fear and sex?
Fünf!

Speaking of fifths…

Why was 1/5 sent to a counselor?
Because he was two-tenths.

And speaking of fifths again…

Where there are four mathematicians, you’ll surely find a fifth.

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 4

Did you know that five out of four people have trouble with fractions? Hopefully you won’t have any trouble with this joke on the Fourth Day of Crisp Math…

What did the dollar say to four quarters?
You’ve changed!

The Twelve Days of Crisp Math – Day 1

Lots of religions and cultures celebrate holidays at this time of year, and most of them last more than just one day.

• Diwali (Hindu)  — 5 days
• Kwanzaa (African-American) — 7 days
• Chanukah (Judaism) — 8 days
• Las Posadas (Latino) — 9 days
• Christmas (Christianity) — 12 days

And while Ramadan isn’t always celebrated in December (it varies quite a bit in the Gregorian calendar; in 2012, it occurred during July and August), it just feels wrong to exclude 23% of the world’s population from this discussion.

• Ramadan (Muslim) — 30 days

Though each holiday lasts a different number of days, on average they last about 12 days:

With that in mind, I’ll be posting one math joke a day for the next twelve days to celebrate The Twelve Days of Crisp Math. Consider it my holiday treat to you. And what better date to start than 12/12/12? Just to keep with the theme, today’s joke was posted at 12:12 a.m. (Eastern Time), and each joke during the celebration will be posted at the same time every day.

Granted, math isn’t a religion, but lots of folks treat it like one. In fact, many mathematicians think that they are gods…

Ecologists think they’re biologists;
Biologists think they’re organic chemists;
Organic chemists think they’re physicists;
Physicists think they’re God; and,
God thinks he’s a mathematician.

…or vice versa, I suppose.

Without further adieu, here is the joke for the First Day of Crisp Math.

The failing math student went to the professor’s office to get some help. When he arrived, several students were ahead of him, so he waited patiently for his turn. When he finally went in, he asked his question, and the professor spent the better part of an hour trying various explanations, but nothing worked. The student was clearly frustrated.

“Well,” said the professor. “I suppose after you graduate, you’ll be waiting for me to die so you can spit on my grave.”

“Oh, no,” said the student. “After I graduate, I ain’t never gonna stand in line again!”