## Posts tagged ‘book’

### MORE Jokes 4 Mathy Folks

I know, I know.

You remember the day that you bought **Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks**. You headed directly home from the bookstore and read it cover to cover. Then, once the tears of laughter had dried, you read it again. And sure, you were a little concerned that if you read it a third time, well, you might be accused of neglecting your family. But social reputation be damned… you’re a mathy folk, and neglecting people is what we do. So you returned to the first page and gave it one more go.

That day was several years ago.

Today, MJ4MF occupies a position of honor on your bathroom shelf, and while conducting your business you occasionally open to a random page, hoping to rediscover an old chestnut. But alas, you’ve read it so many times, you have every joke memorized, and the cover is falling off.

So, now what?

Well, don’t worry. You’ve waited patiently, and your patience is about to be rewarded. Announcing the release of the second volume in the MJ4MF franchise…

MORE Jokes 4 Mathy Folks |

Head over to **Amazon** to order a copy today! Officially, it isn’t available until August 15, 2017 (bonus points if you know why *that date* was selected as the publication date), but you can get it now, and you’ll have plenty of time to memorize the jokes before the first day of school.

(And while you’re there, you should probably buy a replacement copy of **Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks**, too. Get a new one with its cover intact. You don’t want to look like someone who doesn’t take care of your books, do you? Of course not. And besides, purchasing another copy for you will boost the sales ranking for me. Win-win.)

So, what will you find in this new collection? Over 400 jokes, from every branch of mathematics.

There are jokes about geometry…

Pentagon |
Hexagon |
Oregon |

There are jokes about percents…

An excited son says, “I got 100% in math class today!”

“That’s great!” his mom replies. “On what?”

The son says, “50% on my homework, and 50% on my quiz!”

There are jokes about algebra…

What is PA + PN + LA + LN?

A (P + L)(A + N) that’s been FOILed.

Heck, there are even jokes about other counting systems…

What happened in the binary race?

Zero won.

And what *won’t* you find in this new collection? You won’t find a single one of the 400+ jokes that were in the original *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*. That’s right, this collection is 100% entirely new!

Don’t delay! Be the coolest kid on your block by ordering a copy of **MORE Jokes 4 Mathy Folks** today!

**Book Review:** *Flightmares* by Robert D. Reed

Bob Reed is likely one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. He’s certainly one of the nicest guys in the publishing industry. And he is absolutely, positively **the** nicest guy to have published *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*.

Bob has now written his own book of jokes, *Flightmares: Sky-High Humor*. Chock full of zingers about pilots, flight attendants, mechanics, travel, and aerodynamics, *Flightmares* does for flying what *Jaws* did for swimming.

The following are just a few of the gems you’ll find inside:

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man… landing is the first!

“Why is the mistletoe hanging over the luggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush.

The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye!”

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that could appear in a math joke book, with a little revision. Like this one, which I’ve heard in reference to a *mathematician* instead of a *pilot*:

What’s the difference between God and an airline pilot?

God doesn’t think He’s a pilot.

Or this one, if you replace flight attendants on an airplane with a math teacher in a geometry class:

What kind of chocolate should flight attendants hand out on airplanes?

Plane chocolate, of course.

And there’s even one that could be used in a math joke book directly:

Gunter’s Second Law of Air Travel:The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of the coffee.

What more can I tell you about *Flightmares*? Just like passengers on a jet that’s lost all four engines, it’s a scream! Well worth the price for some light summer reading.

To learn more about *Flightmares*, or for quantity discounts, visit Robert D. Reed Publishers. To purchase individual copies, visit Amazon.

### 2 Good 2 Be True

I was eating a bowl of shepherd’s pie at the Irish pub in our neighborhood. A man walks up to my table and asks, “What’s your favorite number?”

“Uh, 153,” I respond.

“And 153 × 2 is 306,” he says, then hurriedly scurries away.

He approaches another table, asks another patron for her favorite number, and again multiplies it by 2. He does this over and over, popping from table to table, annoying customer after customer. Eventually, the manager notices this eccentric behavior and approaches the man.

“Sir,” says the manager, “You can’t keep interrupting people’s dinners by asking them for a number and then multiplying by 2.”

“What can I say,” he responds. “I love Dublin!”

A little while later, the gentleman at the table next to me says to his companion, “I know a sure-fire way to double your money.”

This piqued my interest, so I leaned over to eavesdrop on his advice.

“Fold it in half,” he said.

Dismayed that you’ve read this far and have only heard two terrible jokes? Well, buck up, because your fortune is about to change. I can’t help you double your money, but I can help you get twice as much for it.

Perhaps you’ve been wanting a copy of **Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks**, but just haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Well, now’s the time. Robert D. Reed Publishers is offering a BOGO special for MJ4MF, so now you can buy a copy for yourself at regular price and get another for the special math geek in your life **at no charge**!

**http://rdrpublishers.com/blogs/news/yes-math-is-fun**

And check this out.

- If you buy 2 copies, you’ll get 2 additional copies absolutely free!
- If you buy 3 copies, you’ll get 3 more at no cost!
- Buy 4 copies, and 8 copies will be delivered to your door!
- And if you buy 50 copies? Why, you’ll have 100 copies arrive to your home, office, or post office box for the exact same price!
- If you want
*n*copies, you’ll only pay for*n*/2 of them!

Folks, this is a linear relationship that you’d be foolish to ignore!

### Demitri Martin and Me

As I was watching *If I* by Demetri Martin, I realized something.

I

loveDemitri Martin, because IamDemetri Martin.

Not literally, of course. I didn’t inhabit his body and take over his soul. (Would if I could!) Nor is this blog a ruse that appears to be written by Patrick Vennebush when it is, in fact, written by Demitri Martin. I just mean that he and I are about as similar as two people can be without entering the world from the same womb. Check out this list:

Demitri Martin |
Patrick Vennebush |

He’s weird. (In a good way.) | I’m weird. (No disclaimer.) |

He did Mensa puzzles as a kid. | I did Mensa puzzles as a kid. |

He uses convoluted mnemonics to remember numbers. | I use convoluted mnemonics to remember numbers. |

He uses drawings and visual aids during stand-up performances. (See below.) | I use drawings and visual aids during math presentations. (See below.) |

He was influenced by Steven Wright, Emo Philips, Eddie Izzard, and Mitch Hedberg. | I watched every Steven Wright performance on cable television when I was a teenager; my favorite joke is from Emo Philips; I own every Eddie Izzard CD; and one of my great regrets is that I never saw Mitch Hedberg perform live. |

He was slated to play Paul de Podesta in Moneyball but was replaced by Jonah Hill. |
I wasn’t in Moneyball, either. |

He was born in a prime number year (1973). | I was born in a prime number year (1971). |

He won a Perrier Comedy Award. | I sometimes drink Perrier while watching Comedy Central. |

He once attended class wearing a gorilla suit. | I had no fashion sense in college. |

He is extremely allergic to nuts. | I’m not allergic to them, but I really don’t like crazy people. |

One of Demetri’s drawings:

Oh, sure, I could list hundreds of other similarities between Demitri and me, but I think the list above is enough to see that the coincidence is uncanny. I mean, we practically live parallel lives.

Demetri used to sneak Mensa puzzle books — not muscle mags or girlie mags — into school to read during class. One of the puzzles purportedly from his *Mensa Presents Mighty Mindbusters* book:

If a crab-and-a-half weigh a pound-and-a-half, but the half-crab weighs as much again as the whole crab, what do half the whole crab and the whole of the half-crab weigh?

He said that solving problems from those books was validating.

When I got one right, I’d be like, “Yes! I

amsmart! These other idiots don’t know how much the crabs weigh.” But I do. Because I just spent Saturday working it out.

I solved puzzles like this, too. I don’t know if they made me feel smart, but I enjoyed the way I felt when I figured out a particularly tough one.

From the way he describes it, such puzzles may have had the same effect on both of us.

Whatever the reason, I spent a lot of time as a kid doing these puzzle books. And it came to shape the way I see the world. So now, as an adult, I see the world in those terms. For example, to me a phone number is always a sentence or an equation. Like my friend Becky…

He goes on to say that he remembers Becky’s phone number using a convoluted, mathematical mnemonic:

That is, he converts the first three digits into an expression that is equal to an expression formed by the last four digits. He concludes that it’s “much simpler,” but it’s unclear how.

Now that’s some crazy, messed-up sh*t.

And I’d probably think it even weirder… if I didn’t do it, too.

One night many years ago, my roommate Adam asked for the number of the local pizza shop. I replied, “3^{3}, 1^{3}, 20^{3},” because that’s how I saw it. Adam looked at me like I was nuts, and he was probably onto something.

My friend AJ’s street address is 6236, which I remember as 6^{2} = 36.

My street address growing up was 1331, which I associated with the third row of Pascal’s triangle. (It also happens to be 11^{3}, but I didn’t know that at the time.)

I chose the four digits of my PIN because… no, wait, that wouldn’t be prudent.

My co-worker Julia’s extension is 2691. I used to remember this as 2 + 6 = 9 – 1, until I recognized a more elegant geometric mnemonic: the sequence 2, 6, 9, 1 forms an isosceles trapezoid on my office phone’s keypad — or it would, were the buttons equally spaced.

I can’t explain why I do this. Perhaps, as Demetri says, it’s the influence of all those puzzle books. Or maybe it’s just that the mental conversion to an equation gives the number meaning, making it more memorable. Or perhaps it’s that I’m wired to see the world through a mathematical lens, despite not wearing glasses.

Larry McCleary, author of *The Brain Trust Program,* claims that numbers are difficult to remember because “most of us don’t have any emotional attachment to particular numbers.” Mr. McCleary, I’d like you to meet my friend Demetri…

Demitri and I are both into anagrams.

Even when I walk down the street, things look a little different. The signs… the letters dance around. It becomes a little puzzle for me. So, say MOBIL, the gas station — that becomes LIMBO. STARBUCKS becomes RACKS BUST. CAR PHONE WAREHOUSE… AH, ONE SOUR CRAP — WHEE!”

Yeah, I do that, too…

My first car was a CHEVROLET IMPALA, which transforms to COMPARATIVE HELL. Our neighbor’s son is CARSON, whom I jokingly call ACORNS. And I can’t see a STOP sign without also thinking of OPTS, POST, POTS, and TOPS.

If you’re reading this, you likely have some things in common with Demetri, too. **What number mnemonics do you use, or what anagrams to do you see?**

### How Dumb Are You?

I recently purchased the book *How Smart Are You? Test Your IQ *for the same reason that I always purchase books like this — often, there are one or two gems buried amid a pile of mundane, mind-numbing questions.

Having just finished the last quiz, here’s all you need to know about this book:

- I found it on the discount table at Barnes and Noble.
- There is a picture of a wise, all-knowing owl on the front cover. (Ooh, an owl! I feel smart already!)
- The tag line on the cover reads, “Calculate Your IQ in Minutes,” yet the Introduction states, “Your scores will not reflect your actual intelligence.”

When it comes to measuring your IQ using this book, the following scale will be more effective than anything you’ll find between the covers:

Did You Buy this Book? |
IQ Score |

Bought | < 75 |

Didn’t | > 125 |

The book contains 50 quizzes with 10 questions each. Each question is worth 16.5 points, so your IQ is found by multiplying the number correct on a given quiz by 16.5.

**I hate to deliver the bad news. **

**The results of your IQ test have come back negative.**

Sadly, there were no gems among the 500 questions in the book. (Honestly, I found it more difficult to calculate my score than to answer most of the questions.) Yet there were quite a few duds. And that’s where we’ll start today’s story.

One question asked the reader to identify the next number in the series:

5, 13, 21, 29, 37, 44, …

You may notice that 5 **+ 8** = 13, 13 **+ 8** = 21, and 21 **+ 8** = 29, so you might think that the rule is “add 8.” But 37 **+ 8** ≠ 44, so the pattern fails. You don’t even need to check the addition, though; since the first term is odd and the common difference is even, all terms must be odd. The number 44 should have stuck out like a sore thumb to any editor worth his salt. Yet that did not stop the author from listing 44 + 8 = 52 as the correct answer.

Similarly, another problem asked:

A high school has 40 students in its senior class. Forty percent of the seniors are taking physics, 30 percent are taking chemistry, and

10 percent are taking neither. How many seniors are takingneitherphysics or chemistry? (Ed. note: emphasis added.)

You might first think that 4 students are taking neither physics nor chemistry (nevermind that the problem used *or* instead of *nor*), since the problem says that 10% are taking neither, and 10% of 40 is 4. Upon seeing the correct answer listed as 16 students, you might then think, “What the f**k?” And that would be a justifiable reaction. I suspect that this was meant to be one of those questions where the numbers in the three groups adds to more than 100%, so the overlap becomes important, but this problem is an epic fail as presented.

**Some people should have to pass an IQ test
to drive or reproduce. Fail the test,
you get birth control and a bus pass. **

A little later, on a quiz titled “Unscramble the Letters I,” readers were directed to unscramble the letters

delif

to create an English word or name.

The Internet Anagram Server says that there are three: *field*, *filed*, *flied*. Finding one of them without the Internet seems like a reasonable challenge. But within the book, the problem is presented as a **multiple-choice question**:Oh, my. Anyone smart enough to read a book would see immediately that *fled* doesn’t have enough letters, *flies* has an *s* instead of the requisite *d*, and *delight* has too many letters. How many people have been misled by this quiz, scoring a 165 and then thinking that they were Harvard material?

My favorite in this section, though, was the scrambled-letter collection

lydarceptt

which I immediately recognized to be *pterodactyl*, but then thought, “No, wait, there’s no *o*.” Yet *pterodactyl* was the only reasonable option among the four answer choices (*Pericles*, *lethargic*, *pterodactyl*, and *pictogram*), so I ignored the omission and collected another perfect score of 165. (Yay, me!)

As I said above, there were no gems, but I’ll end with the only problem in the entire book that I even mildly enjoyed:

A car traveled 281 miles in 4 hours and 41 minutes. What was the car’s average speed in miles per hour?

This one was also presented as a multiple-choice question, but it’s more fun to solve without the options. Have at it.

### I’m Playing Baaas-Ket-Baaall

I recently had a meeting at the National Basketball Association (NBA) offices in New York City. I had gotten very excited about this meeting, thinking maybe I’d bump into Lebron or Kobe or Shaq or Dr. J or Jerry West or David Stern. (It *could* happen, ya know. Not so long ago, I bumped into Brooke Shields while attending a meeting for MoMath. All things are possible in NYC.)

But irony of ironies… when I arrived, I met no one famous; rather, one of the NBA staffers wanted to meet *me* because * Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks* is his mom’s coffee table book. She’s a retired chemical-cum-mechanical engineer, so geeky jokes are her ilk.

Three engineers are arguing about God’s profession.

The first says, “God has to be a mechanical engineer. Look at the design of the joints and muscles.”

“No, no,” said the second. “Look at the central nervous system. All that wiring? Surely, God is an electrical engineer.”

“I think you’re both wrong,” said the third. “He’s got to be a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste management facility in the middle of a recreation area?”

Now, I know that this story likely sounds like an elaborate set-up.

Yo momma is so dorky, she reads

Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks.

Well, it’s not. All of this is true.

The wonderful young man who wanted to meet me was Daniel Feinberg. I asked about his mother’s favorite joke from *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*, and he told me it was this one (which is sometimes known as the Pizza Theorem):

Via email, Daniel told me:

It’s funny, because she [Daniel’s mom] hadn’t taken a look at the book in some time, and when I asked her for her favorite joke, she got sucked into reading the entire thing — again.

Now *that’s* a nice compliment.

Daniel isn’t an engineer or even a math guy. He loves golf, though, and his favorite joke from *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks* is:

A pastor, a doctor, and a mathematician were stuck behind a slow foursome while playing golf. The greenskeeper noticed their frustration and explained to them, “The slow group ahead of you is a bunch of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free.”

The pastor responded, “That’s terrible! I’ll say a prayer for them.”

The doctor said, “I’ll contact my ophthalmologist friends and see if there isn’t something that can be done.”

And the mathematician asked, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Incidentally, Joshua Ferris included this same joke in his book *To Rise Again at a Decent Hour*, though the main character tells it with a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. Go figure.

I’d like to thank Daniel and his mom for their continued support. Hearing that MJ4MF made even one person smile is enough to think that it was worth writing.

Before you go, here are some basketball-related math jokes. Or maybe they’re math-related basketball jokes. Whatever. Enjoy.

What do basketball players call the last occurrence of the function that gives the greatest integer less than or equal to

x?

The Final Floor.What do athletes playing basketball and students taking a math test have in common?

They both dribble.What’s the difference between the Knicks and a dollar bill?

You can get four quarters from a dollar bill.

Okay, maybe that last one isn’t very mathy, so here’s a mathy quote from basketball commentator and former coach Doug Collins:

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.

Almost?

### Results of **Hold On… How Many Copies?** Contest

As predicted, I did not meet my self-imposed deadline of posting the winner of the *Hold On… How Many Copies?* contest on Saturday. But I think you’ll agree I have a good excuse. When I woke at my in-laws on Saturday morning, my wife and kids surprised me with the pronouncement that we’d be spending the day at the Museum of Mathematics in New York City. (A post about that coming soon. It was awesome!) But after a full day of mathematical thinking and a late dinner, I didn’t have the energy to post results last night.

So, sue me.

But without further adieu, I can now announce the winner. Not before some data analysis, though.

The ten responses were:

{21, 137, 301, 333, 392, 429, 453, 595, 1637, 3142}

With a range of **3,121** and an average of **744**, there was quite a spread to the data.

I certainly love the optimism of the respondent who predicted that 3,142 copies were sold! But with Q1 = 390 and Q3 = 559, the responses of 1,637 and 3,142 would both be considered outliers. Indeed, the actual number was lower than either of those guesses, but you won’t hear me complain about selling **634 copies** of *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks* from Dec 15 to Dec 21!

**The winner guessed 595 copies.** Well done! He or she will be contacted via email or can contact me directly at patrick@mathjokes4mathyfolks.com.

For what it’s worth, I would not have won my own contest. Knowing that sales vs. rank is generally exponential but also knowing that sales decline during the third week of December, I used a purely linear regression to generate a guess of 473 copies. This would have resulted in a third-place finish. Oh, well. I take solace knowing that a third-place finish is far superior to where I would have placed if I had sponsored a marathon instead.

So, thanks to everyone who bought a copy of the book last week. Wow! Who would’ve thought sales would still be that brisk five years after publication! For that matter, thanks to everyone who’s ever bought a book. This has been an incredible ride!

Thanks, also, to those of you who entered the contest. Sorry if you didn’t win, but I hope you had fun playing.

**Happy holidays!**