Posts tagged ‘jokes’
I was eating a bowl of shepherd’s pie at the Irish pub in our neighborhood. A man walks up to my table and asks, “What’s your favorite number?”
“Uh, 153,” I respond.
“And 153 × 2 is 306,” he says, then hurriedly scurries away.
He approaches another table, asks another patron for her favorite number, and again multiplies it by 2. He does this over and over, popping from table to table, annoying customer after customer. Eventually, the manager notices this eccentric behavior and approaches the man.
“Sir,” says the manager, “You can’t keep interrupting people’s dinners by asking them for a number and then multiplying by 2.”
“What can I say,” he responds. “I love Dublin!”
A little while later, the gentleman at the table next to me says to his companion, “I know a sure-fire way to double your money.”
This piqued my interest, so I leaned over to eavesdrop on his advice.
“Fold it in half,” he said.
Dismayed that you’ve read this far and have only heard two terrible jokes? Well, buck up, because your fortune is about to change. I can’t help you double your money, but I can help you get twice as much for it.
Perhaps you’ve been wanting a copy of Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks, but just haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Well, now’s the time. Robert D. Reed Publishers is offering a BOGO special for MJ4MF, so now you can buy a copy for yourself at regular price and get another for the special math geek in your life at no charge!
And check this out.
- If you buy 2 copies, you’ll get 2 additional copies absolutely free!
- If you buy 3 copies, you’ll get 3 more at no cost!
- Buy 4 copies, and 8 copies will be delivered to your door!
- And if you buy 50 copies? Why, you’ll have 100 copies arrive to your home, office, or post office box for the exact same price!
- If you want n copies, you’ll only pay for n/2 of them!
Folks, this is a linear relationship that you’d be foolish to ignore!
I’d like to put together an entire collection of Halloween math jokes, but I don’t have the energy to write it.
I think I’ll use a ghost writer.
Did you hear about the ghost who earned 14% on his math exam?
He made a lot of boo-boos.
I’ve published a post with Halloween math jokes for the past several years.
- Math Jokes for Halloween (Halloween 2010)
- Trig or Treat (Halloween 2011)
- Scary Math Facts for Halloween (Halloween 2012)
- Math Joke for Halloween (Halloween 2013)
Got any good Halloween math jokes? Please share!
Triskaidekaphobia is an abnormal fear of the number 13. If you suffer from this ailment, then you might want to stop reading now.
Today is the only Friday the 13th that will occur in 2014. Which makes it a good day for some trivia questions.
- Is there at least one Friday the 13th every year? If so, prove it. If not, provide a counterexample.
- What is the maximum number of times that Friday the 13th can occur in a (calendar) year?
- What is the average number of times that Friday the 13th occurs in a year?
You can check out my previous post Good Luck on Friday the 13th to find the answers to those questions.
This is also a good day for some off-color math jokes. Then again, is there a bad day for off-color math jokes?
Why is 1 the biggest slut?
It goes into everything.
What has six balls and abuses the poor?
Math is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes.
What do calculus and my penis have in common?
Both are hard for you.
Old statisticians never die.
They just get broken down by age and sex.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Or do they do it in groups?
What do you call an excited quadrilateral?
What covers the genitalia of a hexahedron?
A knight with a 20-inch penis told a wizard that he wanted a smaller penis. The wizard told him to propose marriage to an enchanted princess. He did, and the princess said, “No.” His penis instantly shrunk to 16 inches. Happy with this result, he asked her again. Again she said, “No,” and his penis shrunk to 12 inches. He realized that each time she said, “No,” his penis shrunk by 4 inches. So he asked one last time. “How many times do I have to refuse you?” she asked. “No! No! No!”
How is math like sex?
I don’t get either one.
How is sex like fractions?
It’s improper for the larger one to be on top.
Why did you break up with that math student?
I caught her in bed, wrestling with three unknowns.
13 is the square root of 169. What is the square root of 69?
You may have noticed that there haven’t been very many new posts on this blog recently. I apologize for that. The following flowchart — an idea blatantly stolen from Brewster Rocket — provides my excuse.
Since starting a new job in March, I’ve been working 60-80 hours per week. I’m also serving as the chair of the MathCounts Question Writing Committee. Mix in the time demanded by two energetic, six-year-old boys, and, well, that doesn’t leave a lot of time for making math people laugh on the Internet. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve been funny as hell the past six months, both creating and delivering amazing one-liners. I just haven’t had time to type them up for all of you.
Not that you care about any of that. You come here for jokes, not excuses.
Here’s one about work:
The scientist asks, “Why does it work?”
The engineer asks, “How does it work?”
The project manager asks, “How much will it cost?”
The novelist asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
And here are 11 excuses I could have used, but didn’t:
- I created a great joke but then divided by zero, and the joke burst into flames.
- It’s Isaac Newton’s birthday.
- I could only get arbitrarily close to my computer. I couldn’t actually reach it.
- I had a really funny joke to share, but this blog is too narrow to contain it.
- I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
- I have a solar-powered laptop, and it was cloudy.
- I wrote some jokes in a notebook and locked them in my trunk, but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
- I was typing up some jokes when my wife brought me a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out which was which.
- I put some jokes in a Klein bottle, but then I couldn’t find them.
- I was too busy celebrating the coincidence of Einstein’s birthday and Pi Day.
- I was contemplating a formula for Phi Day, determining the first Friday the 13th in 2013, and wondering why Tau Day isn’t more popular than Pi Day.
I’ve learned one thing in my life — the least funny math jokes are the ones you have to explain. As E. B. White said,
Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process, and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
Matt Parker, who did an interview with MJ4MF not too long ago, disagrees. In the following video, he explains some classic math jokes. Worth a look — his commentary on the jokes is far more interesting than the explanations.
If you live near northern Virginia, then you’re stuck inside on a snowy day. If you’re bored and need something to do, you could attempt to solve the snowplow problem from R. P. Agnew’s Differential Equations (McGraw-Hill, New York, 1942).
One day it started snowing at a heavy and steady rate. A snowplow started out at noon, going 2 miles the first hour and 1 mile the second hour. What time did it start snowing?
If you can’t find the solution easily (or if you think that the problem is unsolvable), don’t fret. This problem has befuddled students for 71 years.
If you’re not a masochist, though, then you may just like some math jokes for a snowy day.
Math Teacher: We’re going to have an exam tomorrow, rain or shine.
Student: Great! It’s snowing.
What math do Snowy Owls study?
Or perhaps you enjoy jokes with more elaborate set-ups…
An elder in a Native American tribe is asked, “Will it be cold this winter?” Not wanting to appear ignorant, he tells them, “Yes, it will be cold this winter. I suggest you start collecting firewood to be prepared.” The tribe disperses immediately to start collecting wood. Meanwhile, the elder heads to a phone and calls the National Weather Service. He asks the person who answers, “Will it be cold this winter?”
The agent at NWS responds, “Yes, our early data indicates that it will be a cold winter.”
The elder returns to the tribe and tells them, “Keep collecting wood! A cold winter is on the way!” Just to be sure, the next day he calls NWS, and again he asks, “Will it be cold this winter?”
The agent responds, “Our data now suggests that the winter will be very cold.”
The elder informs the tribe, “It will be a very cold winter! More wood!”
Wanting to be certain that he is sharing correct information, he calls NWS again the following day. “Are you absolutely certain that it will be very cold this winter?”
“Yes!” says the NWS agent. “The Native Americans are collecting firewood at an unprecedented rate!”
I replied in the only way I knew how. “Well, that’s a given.”
Of course, I was making a joke. But lots of people are like my friend and think that proofs are boring. They don’t see the beauty in proofs, probably because they’ve never been exposed to the beauty. That’s why I’m so excited that Guillermo started this blog. His proofs allows students to glimpse the beauty and elegance of mathematical theorems discussed in school mathematics, whether it’s proving that the square root of 3 is irrational, providing multiple proofs for the sum of the first n positive integers, or having a little fun and “proving” that 2 = 1.
Two of my favorite proofs follow.
Theorem. Every positive integer is interesting.
Proof. Assume that there is an uninteresting positive integer. Then there must be a smallest uninteresting positive integer. But being the smallest uninteresting positive integer is interesting by itself. Contradiction!
Theorem. A cat has nine tails.
Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.
An excellent proof relies on mathematical insight. The most exciting moment of my mathematical life occurred while I was walking my dog. Though I had found an answer to the Three Points on a Square problem, I had no proof that it was correct, other than thousands of examples generated by Excel. With no pencil, no paper, and no agenda — just some time to think — an elegant proof came to me as I was picking up feces. (I have no idea what that says about me.)
This is my favorite part of mathematics. I can literally spend hours reworking equations, drawing figures, and thinking about a problem, and I’ll make no progress. Then later, when I least expect it, when I’m freed from the confines of pencil and paper, the solution gently alights in my mind like a butterfly coming to rest on a marigold.
My hope is that everyone has a chance to see as much beauty in mathematics as I have seen, and Proofs from the Book is a place where you can take a peek.
The following jokes, taken from Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks, provide proof that math can be funny. Sort of.
Did you hear about the one-line proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem?
It’s the same as Andrew Wiles’ proof, but it’s written on a really long strip of paper.
At a conference, a mathematician proves a theorem.
Someone in the audience interrupts him. “But, sir, that proof must be wrong. I’ve found a counterexample.”
The speaker replies, “I don’t care — I have another proof for it.”
What’s the difference between an argument and a proof?
An argument will convince a reasonable man, but a proof is needed to convince an unreasonable one.
A meek man appeared in a court room, and the judge was incredulous when he read the charges against the man. “Sir,” said the judge, “you’re a well educated man. How did you end up here?”
“I’m a mathematical logician, dealing in the nature of proof.”
“Yes, go on,” said the judge.
“Well, I was at the library, and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. The librarian told me I had to fill out a form to get a library card, so I filled out the forms and got back in line.”
“And?” said the judge.
“And the librarian asked, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?’ So I stabbed her.”