## Posts tagged ‘jokes’

**Book Review:** *Flightmares* by Robert D. Reed

Bob Reed is likely one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. He’s certainly one of the nicest guys in the publishing industry. And he is absolutely, positively **the** nicest guy to have published *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*.

Bob has now written his own book of jokes, *Flightmares: Sky-High Humor*. Chock full of zingers about pilots, flight attendants, mechanics, travel, and aerodynamics, *Flightmares* does for flying what *Jaws* did for swimming.

The following are just a few of the gems you’ll find inside:

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man… landing is the first!

“Why is the mistletoe hanging over the luggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush.

The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye!”

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that could appear in a math joke book, with a little revision. Like this one, which I’ve heard in reference to a *mathematician* instead of a *pilot*:

What’s the difference between God and an airline pilot?

God doesn’t think He’s a pilot.

Or this one, if you replace flight attendants on an airplane with a math teacher in a geometry class:

What kind of chocolate should flight attendants hand out on airplanes?

Plane chocolate, of course.

And there’s even one that could be used in a math joke book directly:

Gunter’s Second Law of Air Travel:The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of the coffee.

What more can I tell you about *Flightmares*? Just like passengers on a jet that’s lost all four engines, it’s a scream! Well worth the price for some light summer reading.

To learn more about *Flightmares*, or for quantity discounts, visit Robert D. Reed Publishers. To purchase individual copies, visit Amazon.

### 2 Good 2 Be True

I was eating a bowl of shepherd’s pie at the Irish pub in our neighborhood. A man walks up to my table and asks, “What’s your favorite number?”

“Uh, 153,” I respond.

“And 153 × 2 is 306,” he says, then hurriedly scurries away.

He approaches another table, asks another patron for her favorite number, and again multiplies it by 2. He does this over and over, popping from table to table, annoying customer after customer. Eventually, the manager notices this eccentric behavior and approaches the man.

“Sir,” says the manager, “You can’t keep interrupting people’s dinners by asking them for a number and then multiplying by 2.”

“What can I say,” he responds. “I love Dublin!”

A little while later, the gentleman at the table next to me says to his companion, “I know a sure-fire way to double your money.”

This piqued my interest, so I leaned over to eavesdrop on his advice.

“Fold it in half,” he said.

Dismayed that you’ve read this far and have only heard two terrible jokes? Well, buck up, because your fortune is about to change. I can’t help you double your money, but I can help you get twice as much for it.

Perhaps you’ve been wanting a copy of **Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks**, but just haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Well, now’s the time. Robert D. Reed Publishers is offering a BOGO special for MJ4MF, so now you can buy a copy for yourself at regular price and get another for the special math geek in your life **at no charge**!

**http://rdrpublishers.com/blogs/news/yes-math-is-fun**

And check this out.

- If you buy 2 copies, you’ll get 2 additional copies absolutely free!
- If you buy 3 copies, you’ll get 3 more at no cost!
- Buy 4 copies, and 8 copies will be delivered to your door!
- And if you buy 50 copies? Why, you’ll have 100 copies arrive to your home, office, or post office box for the exact same price!
- If you want
*n*copies, you’ll only pay for*n*/2 of them!

Folks, this is a linear relationship that you’d be foolish to ignore!

### Halloween Math Jokes (Best Of)

I’d like to put together an entire collection of Halloween math jokes, but I don’t have the energy to write it.

I think I’ll use a ghost writer.

Did you hear about the ghost who earned 14% on his math exam?

He made a lot of boo-boos.

The following is blatantly stolen from all the other sites who blatantly stole it from somewhere else…

I’ve published a post with Halloween math jokes for the past several years.

- Math Jokes for Halloween (Halloween 2010)
- Trig or Treat (Halloween 2011)
- Scary Math Facts for Halloween (Halloween 2012)
- Math Joke for Halloween (Halloween 2013)

Got any good Halloween math jokes? Please share!

### 13 Math Jokes that are PG-13 (or Worse)

**T****riskaidekaphobia** is an abnormal fear of the number 13. If you suffer from this ailment, then you might want to stop reading now.

Today is the **only** Friday the 13^{th} that will occur in 2014. Which makes it a good day for some trivia questions.

- Is there at least one Friday the 13th every year? If so, prove it. If not, provide a counterexample.
- What is the maximum number of times that Friday the 13th can occur in a (calendar) year?
- What is the average number of times that Friday the 13th occurs in a year?

You can check out my previous post Good Luck on Friday the 13th to find the answers to those questions.

This is also a good day for some off-color math jokes. Then again, is there a bad day for off-color math jokes?

Why is 1 the biggest slut?

It goes into everything.What has six balls and abuses the poor?

The lottery.Math is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes.

What do calculus and my penis have in common?

Both are hard for you.Old statisticians never die.

They just get broken down by age and sex.Algebraists do it in fields.

Or do they do it in groups?What do you call an excited quadrilateral?

An erectangle.What covers the genitalia of a hexahedron?

Cubic hair.A knight with a 20-inch penis told a wizard that he wanted a smaller penis. The wizard told him to propose marriage to an enchanted princess. He did, and the princess said, “No.” His penis instantly shrunk to 16 inches. Happy with this result, he asked her again. Again she said, “No,” and his penis shrunk to 12 inches. He realized that each time she said, “No,” his penis shrunk by 4 inches. So he asked one last time. “How many times do I have to refuse you?” she asked. “No! No! No!”

How is math like sex?

I don’t get either one.How is sex like fractions?

It’s improper for the larger one to be on top.Why did you break up with that math student?

I caught her in bed, wrestling with three unknowns.13 is the square root of 169. What is the square root of 69?

Ate something.

### Excuses Are Like Graphing Calculators…

You may have noticed that there haven’t been very many new posts on this blog recently. I apologize for that. The following flowchart — an idea blatantly stolen from *Brewster Rocket* — provides my excuse.

Since starting a new job in March, I’ve been working 60-80 hours per week. I’m also serving as the chair of the MathCounts Question Writing Committee. Mix in the time demanded by two energetic, six-year-old boys, and, well, that doesn’t leave a lot of time for making math people laugh on the Internet. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve been funny as hell the past six months, both creating and delivering amazing one-liners. I just haven’t had time to type them up for all of you.

Not that you care about any of that. You come here for jokes, not excuses.

Here’s one about work:

The scientist asks, “Why does it work?”

The engineer asks, “How does it work?”

The project manager asks, “How much will it cost?”

The novelist asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

And here are 11 excuses I could have used, but didn’t:

- I created a great joke but then divided by zero, and the joke burst into flames.
- It’s Isaac Newton’s birthday.
- I could only get arbitrarily close to my computer. I couldn’t actually reach it.
- I had a really funny joke to share, but this blog is too narrow to contain it.
- I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
- I have a solar-powered laptop, and it was cloudy.
- I wrote some jokes in a notebook and locked them in my trunk, but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
- I was typing up some jokes when my wife brought me a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out which was which.
- I put some jokes in a Klein bottle, but then I couldn’t find them.
- I was too busy celebrating the coincidence of Einstein’s birthday and Pi Day.
- I was contemplating a formula for Phi Day, determining the first Friday the 13th in 2013, and wondering why Tau Day isn’t more popular than Pi Day.

### Matt Parker Explains Math Jokes

I’ve learned one thing in my life — the least funny math jokes are the ones you have to explain. As E. B. White said,

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process, and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

Matt Parker, who did an interview with MJ4MF not too long ago, disagrees. In the following video, he explains some classic math jokes. Worth a look — his commentary on the jokes is far more interesting than the explanations.

### Math Jokes, Yo! Let It Snow…

If you live near northern Virginia, then you’re stuck inside on a snowy day. If you’re bored and need something to do, you could attempt to solve the snowplow problem from R. P. Agnew’s *Differential Equations* (McGraw-Hill, New York, 1942).

One day it started snowing at a heavy and steady rate. A snowplow started out at noon, going 2 miles the first hour and 1 mile the second hour. What time did it start snowing?

If you can’t find the solution easily (or if you think that the problem is unsolvable), don’t fret. This problem has befuddled students for 71 years.

If you’re not a masochist, though, then you may just like some math jokes for a snowy day.

Math Teacher: We’re going to have an exam tomorrow, rain or shine.

Student: Great! It’s snowing.What math do Snowy Owls study?

Owlgebra.

Or perhaps you enjoy jokes with more elaborate set-ups…

An elder in a Native American tribe is asked, “Will it be cold this winter?” Not wanting to appear ignorant, he tells them, “Yes, it will be cold this winter. I suggest you start collecting firewood to be prepared.” The tribe disperses immediately to start collecting wood. Meanwhile, the elder heads to a phone and calls the National Weather Service. He asks the person who answers, “Will it be cold this winter?”

The agent at NWS responds, “Yes, our early data indicates that it will be a cold winter.”

The elder returns to the tribe and tells them, “Keep collecting wood! A cold winter is on the way!” Just to be sure, the next day he calls NWS, and again he asks, “Will it be cold this winter?”

The agent responds, “Our data now suggests that the winter will be very cold.”

The elder informs the tribe, “It will be a very cold winter! More wood!”

Wanting to be certain that he is sharing correct information, he calls NWS again the following day. “Are you absolutely certain that it will be very cold this winter?”

“Yes!” says the NWS agent. “The Native Americans are collecting firewood at an unprecedented rate!”