## Posts tagged ‘jokes’

### If Jack Handey Were a Math Guy

In our old neighborhood, we had the Heidelberg Bakery, which we loved for cupcakes, Bavarian pretzels, and challah. But I really wish it were named the Heisenberg Bakery instead, so that one of the employees could have said to me:

Sorry, I can tell you the status of your order, or I can tell you the location of your order — but not both!

I went to a geometry lecture last night on circles that was fascinating. But it lasted two hours longer than expected, because the speaker kept going off on a tangent.

Math is everywhere, even English class, where there are add‑verbs, add‑jectives, and conjunctions.

But math really is in English class; you can use proportions to find the past tense of *flew*:

Sure, they say that the moon is made of cheese, but I prefer to think that it’s made of crust and filling. Then it’d be π in the sky!

To get from point A to point B, a mathematician takes a rhom‑bus.

Math for the Office:

1/2 hour of productivity + 7 1/2 hours on the internet = 1 good day at work!

The Math of Diets:

2 cheeseburgers + 46 fries + 1 diet soda = 1 totally healthy meal!

Square box. Round pizza. Triangular slices. WTF?

Today’s Special: Buy one cheeseburger for the price of two, and receive a second cheeseburger absolutely free!

I’m worried about that man over there drawing on graph paper. I think he’s plotting something.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because math is terrifying.

If I had a dozen strips of bacon, and you took four of them, what would you have?

That’s right. You’d have a black eye.

### It’s Been Too Long

I can’t help but channel my inner Foo Fighter as I start this post.

This is a call to all my past resignations;

It’s been too long…

Too long, indeed. My last post was August 8. I’ll use starting a new job and moving my family across the country as my excuse, but you deserve better. To get back into the swing of things, and to try to earn back your trust, I’ll start with a listicle of sorts. Let’s call it **12 Math Jokes You Should’ve Heard By Now**. (Think that’s enough click-bait to get this post a thousand likes? We’ll see.)

—

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Pi.

Pi, who?

Don’t listen to me. I’m irrational.

I picked up a hitchhiker, and he seemed like a good guy. We had a pleasant conversation for a few minutes, and then he asked, “Thanks for picking me up. But weren’t you afraid I might be a serial killer?”

“Nah,” I said. “The odds of two serial killers in one car is extremely unlikely.”

I had a calculus test this morning. I thought about praying for a good grade. But I know God doesn’t work that way. So instead, I copied off my classmate who’s been accepted to Harvard, and I prayed for forgiveness.

I asked my wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She said she’d take half and leave me. “Great!” I said. “I just won $10. Here’s $5. Don’t forget to write.”

Why did the math student ask a chemist for help?

He heard chemists have a lot of solutions.

Why was the fraction skeptical about marrying the decimal?

Because one of them would have to convert.

Atheists have difficulty with exponents because they don’t believe in higher powers.

The nurse apologized after realizing he’d put the splint on the patient’s incorrect finger. “You were really close,” said the patient. “You were only off by one digit.”

How is *x*^{2} + 2*x* + 4 = 0 like an artificial holiday tree?

Neither have real roots.

At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110%. Unless you’re interviewing to be a statistician.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

My wife calls me

, because I’m never right.obtuse triangle

### There Are 2 Things that Happened Yesterday…

Yesterday was a banner day.

Last night, I was finally able to carve out some time to binge-watch Season 2 of *Trial & Error*, and I was rewarded with a classic math joke in Episode 1. When lead investigator Dwayne Reed arrives at the house of accused murderer Lavinia Peck-Foster, he says:

There are two things that Reeds don’t trust: doctors, Pecks, and math.

I love it!

Upon realizing that I might be able to get my sitcom-writing career off the ground by reformulating stale math jokes, I promptly submitted my resume to NBC.

But, wait… there’s more!

Earlier in the day, I received NCTM‘s email newsletter *Summing Up*, which contained an unexpected surprise. In the section titled “NCTM Store,” there was a blurb about my most recent book, *More Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*, under the headline **Just Published!**

I had no idea that NCTM decided to sell my book, let alone that they were going to publicize it. My ignorance not withstanding, I couldn’t be more delighted!

If you’re looking for some great, light summer reading — something that can be enjoyed poolside while sipping a mojito — then pick up a copy of ** More Jokes 4 Mathy Folks** from NCTM today! Not only will your purchase support a great organization (and my sons’ college fund), you’ll also receive a 20% discount for being an NCTM member.

Following the lead of Dwayne Reed, here are jokes that begin, “There are *n* kinds…,” all of which appear in *More Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*:

- There are only 2 kinds of math books: those you cannot read beyond the first sentence, and those you cannot read beyond the first page. (C. N. Yang, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1957)
- There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who don’t do math, and those who take care of them.
- There are 3 kinds of people in the world: positive, negative, and relative.
- There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who are wise, and those who are otherwise.
- There are 2 kinds of statistics: the kind you look up, and the kind you make up.
- There are 2 kinds of experienced actuaries: those who say they have made significant forecasting errors, and liars.
- There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
- There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and 9 others.
- There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand ternary; those who don’t understand ternary; and, those who mistake it for binary.
- There are 11 kinds of people: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
- There are 8 – 3 × 2 kinds of people in the world: those who correctly apply the order of operations, and those who don’t think that 6 ÷ 2 × (1 + 2) = 9.
- There are 2 kinds of people in the world: logicians and ~logicians.
- There are 2 kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data…

### 8-15-17

Today is a glorious day!

The date is 8/15/17, which is mathematically significant because those three numbers represent a Pythagorean triple:

But August 15 has also been historically important:

- It’s the birthday of some famous people, including Jennifer Lawrence, Kerri Walsh-Jennings, Napoleon Bonaparte, Julia Child, and Ben Affleck, as well as some not-so-famous people, including one of my sisters, one of my aunts, one of my uncles, and my maternal grandfather.
- The Mayflower departed from Southampton, England, on August 15, 1620.
- The Panama Canal opened to traffic on August 15, 1914.
*The Wizard of Oz*premiered at Grauman’s Chinese Theater on August 15, 1939, and exactly 40 years later,*Apocalypse Now*was released.- In 1945, the Japanese surrendered on August 15.

But as of today, August 15 has one more reason to brag: It’s the official publication date of a bestseller-to-be…

Like its predecessor, this second volume of math humor contains over 400 jokes. Faithful readers of this blog may have seen a few of them before, but most are new. And if you own a copy of the original * Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*, well, fear not — you won’t see any repeats.

What kind of amazing material will you find on the pages of * More Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*? There are jokes about school…

An excited son says, “I got 100% in math class today!”

“That’s great!” his mom replies. “On what?”

The son says, “50% on my homework, and 50% on my quiz!”

There are jokes about mathematical professions…

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has her foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

There are Tom Swifties…

“13/6 is a fraction,” said Tom improperly.

And, of course, there are pure math jokes to amuse your inner geek…

You know you’re a mathematician if you’ve ever wondered how Euler pronounced Euclid.

Hungry for more? Sorry, you’ll have to buy a copy to sate that craving.

To purchase a copy for yourself or for the math geeks in your life, visit **Amazon**, where * MoreJ4MF* is already getting rave reviews:

For quantity discounts, visit **Robert D. Reed Publishers**.

### MORE Jokes 4 Mathy Folks

I know, I know.

You remember the day that you bought **Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks**. You headed directly home from the bookstore and read it cover to cover. Then, once the tears of laughter had dried, you read it again. And sure, you were a little concerned that if you read it a third time, well, you might be accused of neglecting your family. But social reputation be damned… you’re a mathy folk, and neglecting people is what we do. So you returned to the first page and gave it one more go.

That day was several years ago.

Today, MJ4MF occupies a position of honor on your bathroom shelf, and while conducting your business you occasionally open to a random page, hoping to rediscover an old chestnut. But alas, you’ve read it so many times, you have every joke memorized, and the cover is falling off.

So, now what?

Well, don’t worry. You’ve waited patiently, and your patience is about to be rewarded. Announcing the release of the second volume in the MJ4MF franchise…

MORE Jokes 4 Mathy Folks |

Head over to **Amazon** to order a copy today! Officially, it isn’t available until August 15, 2017 (bonus points if you know why *that date* was selected as the publication date), but you can get it now, and you’ll have plenty of time to memorize the jokes before the first day of school.

(And while you’re there, you should probably buy a replacement copy of **Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks**, too. Get a new one with its cover intact. You don’t want to look like someone who doesn’t take care of your books, do you? Of course not. And besides, purchasing another copy for you will boost the sales ranking for me. Win-win.)

So, what will you find in this new collection? Over 400 jokes, from every branch of mathematics.

There are jokes about geometry…

Pentagon |
Hexagon |
Oregon |

There are jokes about percents…

An excited son says, “I got 100% in math class today!”

“That’s great!” his mom replies. “On what?”

The son says, “50% on my homework, and 50% on my quiz!”

There are jokes about algebra…

What is PA + PN + LA + LN?

A (P + L)(A + N) that’s been FOILed.

Heck, there are even jokes about other counting systems…

What happened in the binary race?

Zero won.

And what *won’t* you find in this new collection? You won’t find a single one of the 400+ jokes that were in the original *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*. That’s right, this collection is 100% entirely new!

Don’t delay! Be the coolest kid on your block by ordering a copy of **MORE Jokes 4 Mathy Folks** today!

**Book Review:** *Flightmares* by Robert D. Reed

Bob Reed is likely one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. He’s certainly one of the nicest guys in the publishing industry. And he is absolutely, positively **the** nicest guy to have published *Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks*.

Bob has now written his own book of jokes, *Flightmares: Sky-High Humor*. Chock full of zingers about pilots, flight attendants, mechanics, travel, and aerodynamics, *Flightmares* does for flying what *Jaws* did for swimming.

The following are just a few of the gems you’ll find inside:

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man… landing is the first!

“Why is the mistletoe hanging over the luggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush.

The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye!”

I think my favorite jokes are the ones that could appear in a math joke book, with a little revision. Like this one, which I’ve heard in reference to a *mathematician* instead of a *pilot*:

What’s the difference between God and an airline pilot?

God doesn’t think He’s a pilot.

Or this one, if you replace flight attendants on an airplane with a math teacher in a geometry class:

What kind of chocolate should flight attendants hand out on airplanes?

Plane chocolate, of course.

And there’s even one that could be used in a math joke book directly:

Gunter’s Second Law of Air Travel:The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of the coffee.

What more can I tell you about *Flightmares*? Just like passengers on a jet that’s lost all four engines, it’s a scream! Well worth the price for some light summer reading.

To learn more about *Flightmares*, or for quantity discounts, visit Robert D. Reed Publishers. To purchase individual copies, visit Amazon.

### 2 Good 2 Be True

I was eating a bowl of shepherd’s pie at the Irish pub in our neighborhood. A man walks up to my table and asks, “What’s your favorite number?”

“Uh, 153,” I respond.

“And 153 × 2 is 306,” he says, then hurriedly scurries away.

He approaches another table, asks another patron for her favorite number, and again multiplies it by 2. He does this over and over, popping from table to table, annoying customer after customer. Eventually, the manager notices this eccentric behavior and approaches the man.

“Sir,” says the manager, “You can’t keep interrupting people’s dinners by asking them for a number and then multiplying by 2.”

“What can I say,” he responds. “I love Dublin!”

A little while later, the gentleman at the table next to me says to his companion, “I know a sure-fire way to double your money.”

This piqued my interest, so I leaned over to eavesdrop on his advice.

“Fold it in half,” he said.

Dismayed that you’ve read this far and have only heard two terrible jokes? Well, buck up, because your fortune is about to change. I can’t help you double your money, but I can help you get twice as much for it.

Perhaps you’ve been wanting a copy of **Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks**, but just haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Well, now’s the time. Robert D. Reed Publishers is offering a BOGO special for MJ4MF, so now you can buy a copy for yourself at regular price and get another for the special math geek in your life **at no charge**!

**http://rdrpublishers.com/blogs/news/yes-math-is-fun**

And check this out.

- If you buy 2 copies, you’ll get 2 additional copies absolutely free!
- If you buy 3 copies, you’ll get 3 more at no cost!
- Buy 4 copies, and 8 copies will be delivered to your door!
- And if you buy 50 copies? Why, you’ll have 100 copies arrive to your home, office, or post office box for the exact same price!
- If you want
*n*copies, you’ll only pay for*n*/2 of them!

Folks, this is a linear relationship that you’d be foolish to ignore!

### Halloween Math Jokes (Best Of)

I’d like to put together an entire collection of Halloween math jokes, but I don’t have the energy to write it.

I think I’ll use a ghost writer.

Did you hear about the ghost who earned 14% on his math exam?

He made a lot of boo-boos.

The following is blatantly stolen from all the other sites who blatantly stole it from somewhere else…

I’ve published a post with Halloween math jokes for the past several years.

- Math Jokes for Halloween (Halloween 2010)
- Trig or Treat (Halloween 2011)
- Scary Math Facts for Halloween (Halloween 2012)
- Math Joke for Halloween (Halloween 2013)

Got any good Halloween math jokes? Please share!

### 13 Math Jokes that are PG-13 (or Worse)

**T****riskaidekaphobia** is an abnormal fear of the number 13. If you suffer from this ailment, then you might want to stop reading now.

Today is the **only** Friday the 13^{th} that will occur in 2014. Which makes it a good day for some trivia questions.

- Is there at least one Friday the 13th every year? If so, prove it. If not, provide a counterexample.
- What is the maximum number of times that Friday the 13th can occur in a (calendar) year?
- What is the average number of times that Friday the 13th occurs in a year?

You can check out my previous post Good Luck on Friday the 13th to find the answers to those questions.

This is also a good day for some off-color math jokes. Then again, is there a bad day for off-color math jokes?

Why is 1 the biggest slut?

It goes into everything.What has six balls and abuses the poor?

The lottery.Math is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes.

What do calculus and my penis have in common?

Both are hard for you.Old statisticians never die.

They just get broken down by age and sex.Algebraists do it in fields.

Or do they do it in groups?What do you call an excited quadrilateral?

An erectangle.What covers the genitalia of a hexahedron?

Cubic hair.A knight with a 20-inch penis told a wizard that he wanted a smaller penis. The wizard told him to propose marriage to an enchanted princess. He did, and the princess said, “No.” His penis instantly shrunk to 16 inches. Happy with this result, he asked her again. Again she said, “No,” and his penis shrunk to 12 inches. He realized that each time she said, “No,” his penis shrunk by 4 inches. So he asked one last time. “How many times do I have to refuse you?” she asked. “No! No! No!”

How is math like sex?

I don’t get either one.How is sex like fractions?

It’s improper for the larger one to be on top.Why did you break up with that math student?

I caught her in bed, wrestling with three unknowns.13 is the square root of 169. What is the square root of 69?

Ate something.

### Excuses Are Like Graphing Calculators…

You may have noticed that there haven’t been very many new posts on this blog recently. I apologize for that. The following flowchart — an idea blatantly stolen from *Brewster Rocket* — provides my excuse.

Since starting a new job in March, I’ve been working 60-80 hours per week. I’m also serving as the chair of the MathCounts Question Writing Committee. Mix in the time demanded by two energetic, six-year-old boys, and, well, that doesn’t leave a lot of time for making math people laugh on the Internet. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve been funny as hell the past six months, both creating and delivering amazing one-liners. I just haven’t had time to type them up for all of you.

Not that you care about any of that. You come here for jokes, not excuses.

Here’s one about work:

The scientist asks, “Why does it work?”

The engineer asks, “How does it work?”

The project manager asks, “How much will it cost?”

The novelist asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

And here are 11 excuses I could have used, but didn’t:

- I created a great joke but then divided by zero, and the joke burst into flames.
- It’s Isaac Newton’s birthday.
- I could only get arbitrarily close to my computer. I couldn’t actually reach it.
- I had a really funny joke to share, but this blog is too narrow to contain it.
- I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
- I have a solar-powered laptop, and it was cloudy.
- I wrote some jokes in a notebook and locked them in my trunk, but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
- I was typing up some jokes when my wife brought me a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out which was which.
- I put some jokes in a Klein bottle, but then I couldn’t find them.
- I was too busy celebrating the coincidence of Einstein’s birthday and Pi Day.
- I was contemplating a formula for Phi Day, determining the first Friday the 13th in 2013, and wondering why Tau Day isn’t more popular than Pi Day.