Posts tagged ‘sex’

13 Math Jokes that are PG-13 (or Worse)

Triskaidekaphobia is an abnormal fear of the number 13. If you suffer from this ailment, then you might want to stop reading now.

Today is the only Friday the 13th that will occur in 2014. Which makes it a good day for some trivia questions.

  • Is there at least one Friday the 13th every year? If so, prove it. If not, provide a counterexample.
  • What is the maximum number of times that Friday the 13th can occur in a (calendar) year?
  • What is the average number of times that Friday the 13th occurs in a year?

You can check out my previous post Good Luck on Friday the 13th to find the answers to those questions.

This is also a good day for some off-color math jokes. Then again, is there a bad day for off-color math jokes?

Why is 1 the biggest slut?
It goes into everything.

What has six balls and abuses the poor?
The lottery.

Math is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes.

What do calculus and my penis have in common?
Both are hard for you.

Old statisticians never die.
They just get broken down by age and sex.

Algebraists do it in fields.
Or do they do it in groups?

What do you call an excited quadrilateral?
An erectangle.

What covers the genitalia of a hexahedron?
Cubic hair.

A knight with a 20-inch penis told a wizard that he wanted a smaller penis. The wizard told him to propose marriage to an enchanted princess. He did, and the princess said, “No.” His penis instantly shrunk to 16 inches. Happy with this result, he asked her again. Again she said, “No,” and his penis shrunk to 12 inches. He realized that each time she said, “No,” his penis shrunk by 4 inches. So he asked one last time. “How many times do I have to refuse you?” she asked. “No! No! No!”

How is math like sex?
I don’t get either one.

How is sex like fractions?
It’s improper for the larger one to be on top.

Why did you break up with that math student?
I caught her in bed, wrestling with three unknowns.

13 is the square root of 169. What is the square root of 69?
Ate something.

June 13, 2014 at 1:13 pm Leave a comment

Math Silliness

Jiminy, looking back at my posts during the past month, I’ve been waaaaaaaay too serious. Here’s something a little lighter — but be forewarned, it’s PG-13.

Overheard at the math department holiday party:

  • I’m like π — I’m really long, and I go on forever.
  • I’m algebraically divorced. Will you replace my x without asking y?
  • What do math and my genitalia have in common? Both are hard for you!
  • I know the first 1,000 digits of π. But that don’t mean nothin’ if I can’t get the 10 digits in your phone number.
  • On a scale of 1-10, you’re eπ.
  • You must be an asymptote… I keep getting closer and closer, but you won’t let me touch.

I was at an Internet cafe yesterday, and my server went down on me.

Please enter your new password: penis
Sorry, your password isn’t long enough.

Sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Were your parents married before you were born?
Half.
Half?
Yes, my father was married, my mother was not.

November 14, 2013 at 11:01 pm Leave a comment

XXXIII for Increased SEO

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Beware the Ides of October!
Check back on October 15 for a MJ4MF World Premiere!

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Today is 10/10/13, or X/X/XIII in Roman numerals. Three years ago, I published XXX Rated to celebrate 10/10/10, and it has consistently been one of my most visited pages. Not surprising. Today’s top searches which led to my blog were:

  • xxx sex
  • sex xxx
  • metric system jokes
  • xxx.sex

Well, at least someone was looking for math jokes when they found my blog!

In honor of National Metric Day* and to appease most people who stumble across this blog, here’s a joke that mixes metric and sex. It’s subtle; pay attention.

The metric conversion for 69 is 181.

And another?

What do sex and metric conversions have in common?
I enjoy doing both, but most of the time I do them alone in my room.

And a sorta, kinda Roman math joke…

A Roman soldier walks into a bar. “Martinus, please.”

The bartender replies, “You mean martini?”

The soldier says, “If I wanted more than one, I would have asked for it!”

And finally…

When is 6 equal to 8.5?

In Roman numerals, the number SIX can be translated to 8.5. Remember that IV = 4, because a smaller number (I = 1) precedes a larger number (V = 5). With SIX, S = ½, I = 1, and X = 10. Since both S and I precede X, they should be subtracted: 10 – ½ – 1 = 8.5. Hence, 6 = 8.5. Q.E.D.


* Not an official holiday. See Pat Naughtin’s declaration as well as the U.S. Metric Association Metric Week.

October 10, 2013 at 10:10 am Leave a comment

XXX Rated

Today is 10/10/10, which Julius Caesar and others might have written as X/X/X. In honor of the date, today’s post contains some XXX‑rated jokes. (Okay, not really. There is no pornography. But today’s jokes are slightly off‑color and probably not appropriate for the classroom. Then again, I know a high school teacher who used the following mnemonic to help students remember SOHCAHTOA: Sex Over Hot Coals Adds Heat To Ordinary Affection. So perhaps I don’t really know what is and isn’t classroom inappropriate.)

But before we get to the jokes, a math problem for you containing three 10’s. When the following expression is written in standard form, how many digits does it contain?

101010

(By the way, for all you code geeks, that expression was done with straight HTML. No MathML required! It simply uses nested <sup> tags.)

 Okay, to the jokes…

How is sex like a fraction? It’s improper when the larger one is on top.

What is the square root of 69? Eight something.

What is 6.9? A good time interrupted by a period.

I was hanging out in an Internet cafe when my server went down on me.

Calculus teachers do it to the limit.
Statisticians probably do it.
Combinatorialists do it discretely.
Algebraists do it in groups.

No post about dirty math jokes would be complete without…

Speaking of integrals, here’s a half-assed integral:

And a slightly longer one…

The math professor explained to her students that there would be no acceptable excuse for missing the final exam. “Unless you or a loved one dies, I expect you to be here,” she told them. “No other excuse will suffice.”

“What about sexual exhaustion?” asked the class clown, which made several of the other students snicker.

“Sorry, Johnny,” the professor said. “You’ll just have to write with your other hand.”

Finally, I’ll leave you with my favorite dirty math problem, which I love mainly because of its subtlety:

A mother is 21 years older than her son. In 6 years, she will be 5 times as old as her son. Where is the father?

October 10, 2010 at 8:30 pm 12 comments


About MJ4MF

The Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks blog is an online extension to the book Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks. The blog contains jokes submitted by readers, new jokes discovered by the author, details about speaking appearances and workshops, and other random bits of information that might be interesting to the strange folks who like math jokes.

MJ4MF (offline version)

Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks is available from Amazon, Borders, Barnes & Noble, NCTM, Robert D. Reed Publishers, and other purveyors of exceptional literature.

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