## Posts tagged ‘penis’

### Angle of Opportunity

My wife and I noticed that one of our sons has been getting his pants wet while urinating. He’s 8; these things happen. But when it occurred twice on consecutive days, we had reason for concern. When we inquired, he explained, “Sometimes when I start to pee, I hit the back of the seat. So I push my penis down, but then I hit the front of the toilet, and the pee ricochets and gets my pants wet.”

My wife began to pursue a line of investigative questioning, but I stopped her. “This is just simple geometry,” I explained.

I could have predicted my wife’s reaction. She said:

Not everything has to be a math problem. Especially this.

Even if that were true (it’s not), this situation still begs for some trigonometric analysis.

I’m just over 6 feet tall, so my fire hose is approximately 20″ above the toilet when I urinate. As shown in Figure A, when I stand a reasonable horizontal distance from the commode, my angle of opportunity is approximately 30°.

Figure A.

My son, on the other hand, barely clears 4 feet. His water gun is less than 6″ above the toilet when he urinates, so his angle of opportunity is a mere 20°, as illustrated in Figure B.

The images clearly indicate why mothers tell their sons (and husbands), “Stand closer to the toilet when you go!” Doing so increases the angle of opportunity and thus decreases the likelihood of a “clean-up in Aisle 3.”

But more importantly, the above images and some quick trig calculations show that an adult male — who probably has greater control than a young boy, anyway — also has a 50% greater range through which to aim when making a deposit.

Upon completing my explanation, I turned to my son. “Though it may be harder for you to hit the mark, that doesn’t excuse peeing on your pants. I think you need to be more careful.”

I then addressed my wife. “I also think we need to cut him a little slack on this one.”

“And I think,” she said, “that you are absolutely unbelievable.”

With that, she excused herself.

I’m not sure where she went, but I suspect it was to text one of her friends about how lucky she was: not only is her husband good at math, but he can apply it in extremely esoteric situations.

Rather remarkably, there has actually been serious scientific investigation into this phenomenon:

More importantly, there are a number of jokes at the intersection of math and urination:

Why do statisticians choose the last urinal?
Because there’s only a 50% change of being splashed by someone else.

What’s in the toilet of the math department restroom?
A natural log.

What does a mathematician call a toilet seat?
An ass-toroid.

### 13 Math Jokes that are PG-13 (or Worse)

Triskaidekaphobia is an abnormal fear of the number 13. If you suffer from this ailment, then you might want to stop reading now.

Today is the only Friday the 13th that will occur in 2014. Which makes it a good day for some trivia questions.

• Is there at least one Friday the 13th every year? If so, prove it. If not, provide a counterexample.
• What is the maximum number of times that Friday the 13th can occur in a (calendar) year?
• What is the average number of times that Friday the 13th occurs in a year?

You can check out my previous post Good Luck on Friday the 13th to find the answers to those questions.

This is also a good day for some off-color math jokes. Then again, is there a bad day for off-color math jokes?

Why is 1 the biggest slut?
It goes into everything.

What has six balls and abuses the poor?
The lottery.

Math is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes.

What do calculus and my penis have in common?
Both are hard for you.

Old statisticians never die.
They just get broken down by age and sex.

Algebraists do it in fields.
Or do they do it in groups?

What do you call an excited quadrilateral?
An erectangle.

What covers the genitalia of a hexahedron?
Cubic hair.

A knight with a 20-inch penis told a wizard that he wanted a smaller penis. The wizard told him to propose marriage to an enchanted princess. He did, and the princess said, “No.” His penis instantly shrunk to 16 inches. Happy with this result, he asked her again. Again she said, “No,” and his penis shrunk to 12 inches. He realized that each time she said, “No,” his penis shrunk by 4 inches. So he asked one last time. “How many times do I have to refuse you?” she asked. “No! No! No!”

How is math like sex?
I don’t get either one.

How is sex like fractions?
It’s improper for the larger one to be on top.

Why did you break up with that math student?
I caught her in bed, wrestling with three unknowns.

13 is the square root of 169. What is the square root of 69?
Ate something.

### Math Silliness

Jiminy, looking back at my posts during the past month, I’ve been waaaaaaaay too serious. Here’s something a little lighter — but be forewarned, it’s PG-13.

Overheard at the math department holiday party:

• I’m like π — I’m really long, and I go on forever.
• I’m algebraically divorced. Will you replace my x without asking y?
• What do math and my genitalia have in common? Both are hard for you!
• I know the first 1,000 digits of π. But that don’t mean nothin’ if I can’t get the 10 digits in your phone number.
• On a scale of 1-10, you’re eπ.
• You must be an asymptote… I keep getting closer and closer, but you won’t let me touch.

I was at an Internet cafe yesterday, and my server went down on me.

Sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.

Were your parents married before you were born?
Half.
Half?
Yes, my father was married, my mother was not.

### 144 Gross Jokes

Recently, I gave a presentation that contained 288 jokes. But most members of the audience were turned off, claiming it was two gross.

But one guy really liked it. “Your jokes are funny,” he said, “though I don’t think my wife would like your humor. How many off-color jokes do you know?”

“I have a collection of 144 gross jokes,” I told him.

“Wow!” he said. “How did you find the time to collect 20,736 jokes?”

Sorry. Just seems like 12/12 is a good day to be making such jokes.

The word dozen comes from the Old English word doziene, which comes from the Old French word dozaine, which is a derivative of the Latin word duodecim (duo = two, decim = ten).

Warning! Off-color joke approaching!

A man calls his friend and asks, “What has a two-inch penis and hangs down?”

“I dunno,” says his friend.

“A bat,” says the man. “Now, what has a twelve-inch penis and hangs up?”

“I dunno,” says the friend.

Dial tone…

The following is a list of my favorite things that come in groups of 12.

• Signs of the Chinese Zodiac — what’s not to love with dragons, roosters, and pigs?
• Angry Men — sure, it’s a little sexist with an all-male cast, but three of those males were Jack Klugman, Ed Begley and Henry Fonda, and it’s ranked #6 in the IMDB Top 250.
• Donuts — mmm, donuts…
• Eggs — can’t really have a list of dozens that doesn’t include eggs, right?
• Inches in a Foot — how many inches in a nose?
• Labours of Hercules — though I can’t decide which was the best, cleaning shit out of stables or stealing a belt from a woman.
• Players on a Canadian Football Team — in the U.S., it’s 11 players on a 100-yard field; in Canada, it’s 12 players and a 110-yard field; the next country to don a football league must have 13 players on a 120-yard field, to follow the little known but never broken n + 1 players on a 10n-yard field edict.
• Ounces in a Troy Pound — because, really, who needs Avoirdupois?
• Function Keys on a PC Keyboard — F7 is the most-used function key on my laptop, since Shift-F7 lets me synonym search in Word.
• Roses — red if you’re nice, black if you’re naughty.
• Face Cards in a Deck — jacks, queens, and kings.
• Keys on a Phone Keypad — yet only eight have letters associated with them… weird.

The Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks blog is an online extension to the book Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks. The blog contains jokes submitted by readers, new jokes discovered by the author, details about speaking appearances and workshops, and other random bits of information that might be interesting to the strange folks who like math jokes.

## MJ4MF (offline version)

Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks is available from Amazon, Borders, Barnes & Noble, NCTM, Robert D. Reed Publishers, and other purveyors of exceptional literature.