Which Calculus Joke is Funniest? Nun of the Above

My friend Pat Flynn, a teacher at Olathe East High School, recently told me about his childhood experience with math education.

Sister Mary Constance only used her ruler to measure pain, not distance.

That’s one of the funniest lines I’ve heard in a long time! Along similar lines…

What do you get if you cross a zero and a pigeon?
A flying none!

Pat is a calculus teacher, and I once heard some students discuss his humor.

When our calculus teacher would tell us a joke, my friend would laugh twice: once when he first heard it, then again when he got it.

Here are some jokes that Pat would surely like his calculus students to suffer through.

What did the calculus teacher ask the dazed and confused student?
“Young man, have you been taking derivatives?”

What’s the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
A physicist will take the average of the first three terms of a divergent series.

But it’s not just calculus… Pat enjoys making students groan at every level, so here are some all-purpose jokes.

Why did the variable break up with the constant?
The constant was incapable of change.

Did you hear about the bodybuilding mathematician who was always positive?
He had nice abs().

Tall Tail, and Other Funny Phrases

Tonight, I used the phrase “a tall tale” while talking to my sons, and I realized immediately that I had confused them. I spent the next several minutes trying to explain the difference between tale and tail. “There’s T‑A‑L‑E,” I said, “which is a type of story. A tall tale is a story that isn’t true.”

“And T‑A‑I‑L is a short tail,” Eli offered.

That made me laugh. Eli wasn’t really trying to offer a distinction between tale and tail. Rather, I think he was positing that since tall is associated with tale, then short must be associated with the other tail.

This got me to thinking — there are a lot of English idioms that would be a whole lot funnier, if one of the words were to be replaced by a synonym. (A synonym, according to Burt Bacharach, is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.) For instance, based on Eli’s suggestion:

A short tale about a tall tail could be, perhaps, a children’s book about the posterior part of a giraffe.

Okay, so that one’s not really that funny. But I generated a list of others (below), and I think some of them are pretty damned hysterical.

Before I present the list, though, an apology. This is a math jokes blog, and this post isn’t about math jokes. But I’ve often contended that mathy folks are good at grammar because we like rules and systems, whereas literary folks are good at writing because they like words. So perhaps the implicit joke in this post is a pot‑shot at literary folks — if only their love of words followed more rules, then such linguistic silliness wouldn’t be possible.

If you’re greatly distressed about this, here’s a math pun involving a synonym. How do you tell one bathroom full of statisticians from another? Check the p-value.

Anyway, the disclaimer above reminds me of a brainteaser:

The five-letter sequence eight occurs at the end of many words and is responsible for at least two different sounds: in weight it sounds like “ate,” but in height it sounds like “ite.” What four-letter sequence, which occurs at the end of 26 words (according to More Words), is responsible for at least six different sounds? (I’ll post the answer in the comments later this week, unless someone beats me to the punch.)

Okay, on with the list…

The belle of the bawl continued to sob as the bell of the ball struck midnight.

Scientists were able to breed a pigeon with a zero (a true cross product). Two days later, this creature was bested by Mother Teresa in a race. The headline in a local newspaper read:

It took him over an hour to strap Mickey to the roof of his station wagon. As he hummed along with the car tune playing on the radio, he thought to himself, “Gee, I sure can carry a toon.”

I ate an Easter sundae on an ice cream Sunday…

She won two, and I won one, too.

He ate a clock at eight o’clock.

The farmer’s wife said to the fruit-growing sheep, “The two of ewe make quite a pear!” (Yes, this violates the format since it only uses each synonym once, but I thought it was just too funny not to include.)

On the supermarket isles of the South Pacific, you’ll find olives in the Greek aisles.

The guiding principals rarely made mature decisions, so the teachers held on to their middle school principles.

When two members of opposite sects — one Presbyterian, the other Episcopalian — have religious sex, do they scream, “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh… my… God…”?

The florist’s flowers were worth fifty scents, and her change purse contained the cent of a woman.

“Good knight,” said Batman in the dark night.