Posts tagged ‘keys’

144 Gross Jokes

12x12Recently, I gave a presentation that contained 288 jokes. But most members of the audience were turned off, claiming it was two gross.

But one guy really liked it. “Your jokes are funny,” he said, “though I don’t think my wife would like your humor. How many off-color jokes do you know?”

“I have a collection of 144 gross jokes,” I told him.

“Wow!” he said. “How did you find the time to collect 20,736 jokes?”

Sorry. Just seems like 12/12 is a good day to be making such jokes.

The word dozen comes from the Old English word doziene, which comes from the Old French word dozaine, which is a derivative of the Latin word duodecim (duo = two, decim = ten).

Warning! Off-color joke approaching!

A man calls his friend and asks, “What has a two-inch penis and hangs down?”

“I dunno,” says his friend.

“A bat,” says the man. “Now, what has a twelve-inch penis and hangs up?”

“I dunno,” says the friend.

Dial tone…

The following is a list of my favorite things that come in groups of 12.

  • Signs of the Chinese Zodiac — what’s not to love with dragons, roosters, and pigs?
  • Angry Men — sure, it’s a little sexist with an all-male cast, but three of those males were Jack Klugman, Ed Begley and Henry Fonda, and it’s ranked #6 in the IMDB Top 250.
  • Donuts — mmm, donuts…
  • Eggs — can’t really have a list of dozens that doesn’t include eggs, right?
  • Inches in a Foot — how many inches in a nose?
  • Labours of Hercules — though I can’t decide which was the best, cleaning shit out of stables or stealing a belt from a woman.
  • Players on a Canadian Football Team — in the U.S., it’s 11 players on a 100-yard field; in Canada, it’s 12 players and a 110-yard field; the next country to don a football league must have 13 players on a 120-yard field, to follow the little known but never broken n + 1 players on a 10n-yard field edict.
  • Ounces in a Troy Pound — because, really, who needs Avoirdupois?
  • Function Keys on a PC Keyboard — F7 is the most-used function key on my laptop, since Shift-F7 lets me synonym search in Word.
  • Roses — red if you’re nice, black if you’re naughty.
  • Face Cards in a Deck — jacks, queens, and kings.
  • Keys on a Phone Keypad — yet only eight have letters associated with them… weird.

December 12, 2011 at 9:53 pm 1 comment

Seek and Ye Shall Find… or Not

Some say that love is where you find it. These folks are The Whispers.

Others say that love is where you look for it. These folks troll match.com or, in some icky cases, sugardaddy.com.

Yet others can’t find a damn thing — love, their keys, a paper they’ve been working on for weeks. These folks would be described by my mother as people “who couldn’t find their head if it weren’t attached.” For simplicity, though, I just call them mathematicians.

A mathematician is looking for his car keys under a lamp post.  A neighbor sees him and offers to help.  They search for over an hour but don’t find the keys. The neighbor finally asks, “Are you sure you lost your keys under this lamp post?”

“Well, no,” says the mathematician. “I lost them in the alley.”

“Then why are you looking for them over here?” the neighbor asks.

“Because it’s too dark to find anything in the alley!”

For many mathy folks, though, it doesn’t matter where you look…

Why does a mathematician have three pairs of glasses?
One for nearsightedness, one for farsightedness, and one to wear when he’s searching for the other two.

And just for fun, here’s one about a different type of glasses.

A programmer occasionally wakes up and feels thirsty. He thinks for a while and determines a solution. He leaves two glasses next to his bed: one full, in case he wakes up and is thirsty; and one empty, in case he wakes up and is not thirsty.

March 8, 2011 at 9:34 am Leave a comment


About MJ4MF

The Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks blog is an online extension to the book Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks. The blog contains jokes submitted by readers, new jokes discovered by the author, details about speaking appearances and workshops, and other random bits of information that might be interesting to the strange folks who like math jokes.

MJ4MF (offline version)

Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks is available from Amazon, Borders, Barnes & Noble, NCTM, Robert D. Reed Publishers, and other purveyors of exceptional literature.

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