Calculus for Tan Gents, and Other Unwritten Math Books

Usually, my sons are my best audience.

Several nights ago, as we were having dinner with a neighbor and his kids, we started talking about cherries. (I have no idea why.) But not willing to let an opportunity slip away, I offered, “I have a friend named Merah (pronounced mare-ruh) who works in an ice cream shop, and her job is to place cherries on top of sundaes.”

My neighbor looked at me funny. Then he saw where I was going. “Is her last name Sheeno?” he asked.

“It sure is! Merah Sheeno!”

Nothing. Not even the slightest hint of recognition from the boys or from either of my neighbors’ kids.

But I was not deterred. “And she has a brother named Whatduzz.”

Everyone looked at me blankly.

“Whatduzz Sheeno! Get it? ‘What does she know?””

My neighbor nearly fell off his chair. “Oh, that’s good!” he said. “I hadn’t heard that one before.”

“That’s because I just made it up, Hunter.”

“No wonder your sons say you’re the funniest man they know!”

It’s true. That’s what my sons usually say. But not that night. That night, they just thought I was weird.

Someday, I hope to use my ability to make up funny names to write a bestseller under a pseudonym. (At this point, putting my real name on a book would surely lead to negative sales.) Some of my ideas are:

• Putting the Pieces Together, by Lois Carmen Denominator
• Step by Step, by Al Gorithm
• The Longest Side, by Hy Potenuse
• Much Ado About Nothing, by Zee Row
• Big Wheels Keep On Turning, by Cy Cloyd
• Calculus for Tan Gents, by Anne T. Derivative
• Nothing to See Here, by M. T. Set
• Mirror, Mirror, by Reif Lection
• Below the Line, by Dee Nominator
• Can’t Tell Up from Down, by Vin Q. Lum
• Pushing My Buttons, by Cal Culator
• Petal to the Metal, by Rose Curve
• I Lost My Parrot, by Polly Gon
• Three Dimensions, by Polly Hedron
• What My x Got in the Break-Up, by Al Jabra
• Less Than That, by Lisa Perbound
• Local Extremes, by Max Imum and Minnie Mum
• Out In Front, by Lee Ding Coefficient

If some of those names look familiar, you may have seen them in Mathy Names. Thanks to Jim Maher, who contributed some of the names in a comment.