Archive for September, 2011

5 (or Maybe 6) More Math Jokes

Five FingersI asked an actuary to calculate the number of jokes that have been posted on the MJ4MF blog.

He replied immediately and definitively, “1005.”

“Wow, how did you count them so fast?” I asked.

“Well, there are 5 jokes below,” he said, “and about a thousand in the archives.”

The young math professor had not had a paper accepted for publication in almost four years. Feeling a little discouraged, he considered quitting and becoming a fisherman. But he quickly realized that he wouldn’t be able to survive on his net income.

The surgeon asked a heart transplant patient, “What kind of heart would you like to receive?”

“How about one from a statistician,” the patient says. “That way, I’ll know it’s never been used.”

What’s the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
About $50,000.

If you took all of the actuaries in New Jersey and laid them end-to-end on the NJ Turnpike… would anyone care?

Feeling a little hungry, f(x) = x2 + 3 walks into a restaurant. “Got any sandwiches?” he asks.

“Sorry,” says the waiter, “we don’t do catering for functions.”

September 30, 2011 at 11:00 am Leave a comment

All Sorts of Antics

It’s hard to describe the emotion I felt after writing this post…

Venn Emotions

Read on. You’ll see what I mean.

What do you call an insect who skips school?

What do you call two insects who change simultaneously?

What do you call an insect pursuing a degree in mathematics who lives in on‑campus housing?

What do you call an insect on an inclined plane?

What do you call an insect who does your taxes?

What do you call an insect who lives on the outside of a sphere?

What do you call an insect who occupies the middle position in a long line of insects?

What do you call an insect who is completely committed to passing linear algebra?

What do you call an insect who can easily recognize the number of real roots for an equation?

What do you call an insect whose shape remains unchanged when reflected?

What do you call an insect who is always looking for things?

September 26, 2011 at 1:37 am Leave a comment

4 Jokes, Just For Fun

A random compilation of four unrelated jokes, just for fun…

Happy Face

Two math professors are exiting the subway when a panhandler asks them for some change. The first prof refuses in disgust. The second prof, however, opens his wallet and gives him a $5 bill. “What’d you do that for?” asks the first. “You know he’s just going to use it for booze.”

“And we weren’t?” says the second.

What do statisticians use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Three engineers on a desert island find a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie pops out. “I’ll grant you each a wish,” says the genie.

The first engineer says, “I wish I had 25% more intelligence. Then I’d be smart enough to get off of this island.” The genie turns her into an accountant, and she swims off the island.

The second engineer watches this and says, “I wish I had 50% more intellignce. Then I’d be smart enough to get off this island.” The genie turns her into a statistician, and she makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third engineer says, “I wish I had 100% more intelligence. Then I’d be smart enough to get off this island.” The genie turns her into a mathematician, and she walks across the bridge.

What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead economist in the road?
There are skid marks before the skunk.

September 22, 2011 at 11:36 pm 1 comment

Bad Analogies Are Like Bananas in a Swordfight

The word analogy derives from the Greek word analogia, which means “proportion.” An analogy is a comparison of two things, and a good analogy is like an elegant proof — it may require numerous false starts, but the end result is usually worth the effort.

Here are two of my favorite analogies:

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after Dr on a Dr Pepper can.

The wonderful analogies above originally appeared in the Style Invitational, a weekly wordplay contest in the Style section of the Washington Post, through which its creators “seek to bring a variety of clever, timely, irreverent humor” to readers every week. Incidentally, the analogies above were responses to the Style Invitational on Pi Day 1999. They are not — as often purported on numerous plagiaristic websites and in various irreputable publications — pulled from high school essays. They are works of comic genius, not examples of poor writing by ill-informed teen-agers. The freight train analogy was penned by Jennifer Hart of Arlington, Virginia, and Wayne Goode of Madison, Alabama, deserves credit for the unadulterated brilliance of the Dr Pepper analogy.

Of course, analogies are not for everybody. For instance, the Alabama geometry teacher who used an analogy of shooting President Obama when teaching parallel lines and angles should probably consider a different example. While such a story may make you smile, it’s not really funny.

But analogies can be humorous, such as the following joke from Calamities of Nature:

Yo mama is such a slut that the set of guys she’s slept with has cardinality aleph-naught!

At least it’s not aleph-one!

In the comments section for that cartoon, one astute observer noted:

Well, it couldn’t be aleph-one unless she could manage at least aleph-naught at a time (amazing) or the encounters were amazingly brief.

I greatly appreciate when the comment on a web comic is funnier than the cartoon itself!

Finally, here’s my all-time favorite analogy, which compares two things not typically seen as similar:

GPA vs Tires

Writing this post was like driving across the George Washington Bridge during rush hour — it took a lot longer than I had hoped, but at least I didn’t get wet.

Like I said, analogies aren’t for everyone.

September 18, 2011 at 2:39 pm 3 comments

Moebius Noodles Project

My friend Maria Droujkova of the Natural Math Project has taken on the task of building a Creative Commons book and support site for parents who want to enjoy math with their young kids (ages 0 to 5 years).

As a parent who loves to play math games and talk about numbers and shapes with my twin 4-year-old sons (see my previous post), I believe this effort is laudable. I support the project, and I would like to ask for your support, too.

Moebius Noodles Fundraiser Badge

September 15, 2011 at 11:19 pm Leave a comment

Wee Wee Can-Can Doodoo KenKen

My sons love words with repeating syllables, such as…

  • pee pee
  • poo poo
  • knock knock
  • bam bam
  • Pop Pop
  • couscous

But, by far, their favorite word that exhibits exact reduplication is KenKen.

My friend Harold Reiter creates KenKen puzzles. His aren’t the garden-variety, generated-by-computer-algorithm type, though. His puzzles have interesting features, such as including the first initial of his name as one of the cages:

Harold Reiter's H KenKen Puzzle

Note that the puzzle above also has a “clueless cage” in the upper right corner; to solve the puzzle, it is not necessary to know the value or operation associated with this three-square cage. (If KenKen is new to you, check out the rules for solving.)

On a recent rainy afternoon, my twin four-year-old sons Alex and Eli solved the puzzle above. On their own, they identified the set of seven numbers that could uniquely fill the H. Eli said, “I know that 8 × 6 = 48, and 8 = 4 × 2 and 6 = 3 × 2, so it’s {1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 3, 4}.” I asked if there were any other possibilities. Eli continued, “Well, 1 × 1 × 2 × 2 × 2 × 2 × 3 = 48, too, but there can’t be four 2’s, because there are only three columns in the H.” I then had to help with some of the logic about how to place those seven numbers… but once they realized that the center of the H had to be a 1, they were off to the races.

After completing the puzzle, I told Alex and Eli that my friend Harold had created the puzzle. Upon hearing this, Alex turned the paper over. “Let’s make a KenKen puzzle,” he suggested. And why not? I drew a 4 × 4 grid for them, and they proceeded to tell me where to place the digits to create a Latin square. Then, they indicated the location of the cages, as well as the values and operations to use within the cages. To prove that the solution was unique, I created a blank version of the puzzle on a different sheet of paper. When I asked the boys to solve it with me, Alex grabbed the paper on which we had originally designed the puzzle and showed me the solution. (Okay, so maybe they don’t yet understand the concept of uniqueness, but I appreciated Alex’s application of a fundamental problem-solving strategy: reduce it to a previously solved puzzle!)

For your enjoyment, I present Alex and Eli’s first-ever KenKen puzzle.

Alex and Eli's KenKen Puzzle for Grandma

If you roll your mouse over the puzzle above, you’ll notice the alternate text reads, “Alex and Eli’s KenKen Puzzle for Grandma.” Upon completing the puzzle, the boys suggested that we send the puzzle to their grandmother. So we did. That was over a week ago… and we still haven’t heard a response.

September 15, 2011 at 9:02 am 2 comments

Math Fortune Cookies

Today might be Fortune Cookie Day. Hard to say, really, because there are also plenty of references on the web that claim July 20 is Fortune Cookie Day, and the good folks at Holiday Insights claim that there are references to a Fortune Cookie Day in April, May and June, too. But honestly, who cares? No one should lose sleep over an incorrect date for a made-up holiday.

Besides, if you can accept that today is Fortune Cookie Day, well, that gives me a good reason to now tell you two fortune cookie stories.

Fortune Cookie

The first concerns the publication of Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks. About an hour after Bob Reed called to tell me that he’d like to publish my book, I was dining at a Chinese restaurant. The fortune in my cookie read: Your current plans will succeed. Though I am unwilling to ascribe the success of a book to a fortune cookie, the fortune appears to have been true. Since publication on August 9, 2010, more than 5,000 copies of MJ4MF have been sold. Though I am still holding out hope that it will sell a million copies, I cannot be disappointed in a book of math jokes that reaches 5,000 people.

The second story involves my friend Andy Fielding. The day before he left for Africa to serve two years in the Peace Corps, he and I were dining at a Korean restaurant. After the meal, two fortune cookies were placed on the table. I told him to select one. “No, no, you first,” he insisted.

“But you need the good luck,” I said. “You’re leaving tomorrow.” He repeatedly refused, and the argument continued for 20 minutes. “Oh, fine!” I said finally, and took one. The fortune: You are about to take a long and safe journey. “Dammit,” I said as I showed it to Andy. “This was meant for you!”

“It’s okay,” he said as he showed me his fortune, which read: You are about to take a long and safe journey.

Someday, I hope to open a Chinese restaurant. The portions will be very large, and the existence of leftovers is guaranteed by the Chinese Remainder theorem.

When I do, I look forward to generating creative fortunes to place inside the cookies. Here are a few. (Feel free to add to this list by posting your favorite fortunes in the comments section, or get creative and write one of your own.)

  • You are a complex person, and i would like to be your friend.
  • When life throws you a curve, calculate the slope of the tangent at the point of inflection.
  • You will live a long life. If you marry an actuary, it will feel even longer.
  • Some day you will find a useful application for Ceva’s theorem. (Maybe.)
  • Your lucky number is the square root of 17.
  • Fame and fortune will find you… unless you lock yourself in an attic, trying to prove the Riemann Hypothesis.
  • Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 26?
  • I have found an elegant proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem, but this fortune is too small to contain it.
  • You are good at solving problems. Textbooks fear you.
  • This cookie contains no fortune.
  • Your students secretly agree that your head is not in proportion to your body.
  • A foolish man will try to write a better fortune than this, but a mathematician will find it sufficient to know that a better fortune exists.
  • When someone finds a counterexample to your proof, look for a different proof.
  • A conclusion is your last thought before you got tired of thinking.
  • You are so smart that you do not need answer keys.
  • The fortune of this cookie is obvious.
  • You are good at geometry. Q.E.D.
  • Greet new friends with a handshake. At a math social, greet new friends with the handshake problem.
  • Do not follow the instructions in this fortune cookie.
  • Do not kiss a mathematician on the lips. Ever.

September 13, 2011 at 10:55 am 1 comment

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About MJ4MF

The Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks blog is an online extension to the book Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks. The blog contains jokes submitted by readers, new jokes discovered by the author, details about speaking appearances and workshops, and other random bits of information that might be interesting to the strange folks who like math jokes.

MJ4MF (offline version)

Math Jokes 4 Mathy Folks is available from Amazon, Borders, Barnes & Noble, NCTM, Robert D. Reed Publishers, and other purveyors of exceptional literature.

Past Posts

September 2011

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